Try as I might, and god knows I have, it seems that I've lost my inspiration to do much of anything except obsess over the upcoming wedding and my hated job. And that makes me feel stupid - especially the obsessing over the hated job. The wedding obsessing is pretty normal for any female. Anyway, the summer is quickly coming to a close, and I've spent the lion's share of it trying to stay awake past 7 PM. This is in part due to the fact that unfortunately, I've found myself working as a landscape laborer since the end of June. I now have a new respect for landscape laborers. The work is hard and you go home sore (if you're not sore, you're doing it wrong). The thing is, I was hired as a landscape designer - I'm supposed to draw the picture, and the laborers fill it in, so to speak. So, this is not working out at all. And I am pretty upset with myself for taking the job. I've been a bit upset with myself for the last year or so job-wise, but anyway.......... maybe I'm going through some sort of mid-life job/career crisis. That's safe to say. One interesting thing I've discovered about my introverted self is that on the rare occasion when I do meet with a customer regarding design work, I am able to really come out of my shell and not shrink away from them pulling on my energy. I can do it because I know there is a very limited amount of time I have to spend with them, and it doesn't seem all that difficult.

So my summer has consisted of working, sleeping, eating, weeding my own garden, and obsessing over the wedding. Usually, the summer is filled with walks, visits to parks, camping, talking to my plants (yes, I do), sitting by ponds and streams and thinking, and generally enjoying life. Yes, work is in there somewhere, too. So I guess I'm disappointed. And uninspired. And embarrassed to be bitching about it again. I am once again on the job hunt and have some fairly decent prospects, but offers yet. I am cautiously hopeful that I will soon be working at a job where I come home clean and unscathed (and not affected by poison ivy, which I have a lovely rash from right now), and awake.

Meanwhile, the wedding is less than five weeks off now. FH (future hubby) is taking care of the things that are his responsibility, and everything is pretty much ready. We need to go apply for our marriage license, and tie up some loose ends. I am still feeling a bit squeamish about being the center of attention when walking up the aisle, so I have asked my son to escort me. This will be nice for me because A) I adore my son, and people can look at him too - not just me. I think I can handle the actual ceremony because the minister will be talking and I won't be the only one up there participating. Still the idea of being watched steadily for 20 minutes or so by 70 or 80 people is a bit weird.

We considered purchasing and setting up life size cutouts of Barack Obama and John McCain and standing them in opposite corners of the reception site for fun (we have a weird sense of humor), but decided that in doing so, we may encourage potentially heated political discussions among the guests and decided that's probably not what we want for entertainment.

All in all, I'm looking forward to the wedding. I am looking forward to the picnic reception, and know that most of the guests know me well enough to not wonder what the hell is going on with me when I walk off by myself for a while to get away from the noise and talking and laughter and activity and music and hugging and kissing and photo taking.

      

I admit it. I sometimes get so overwhelmed I just shut down pretty much everything except breathing and brushing my teeth. Lest you start worrying that I'm talking about deep, dark depression - that's not it. I just get frustrated, tired and sort of angry I guess and I just say "To hell with it all". I hate to admit that. It's embarrassing. I am supposed to be a tough person, full of energy and resolve to give a damn about every last thing. But, I am not that person. Sometimes I run out of things to say.
The past few weeks have been really amazingly stupid for me as far as work goes. You may recall that I accepted a new job about six weeks ago. I loathe it! Utterly. Now, I've been on a career rollercoaster for close to a year. I quit a job I had for quite a few years last September. Since then, I've held three jobs and also done the freelance writing thing, plus a couple freelance landscape designs for added interest. I am hating the fact that I hate this new job. But I can't put enough perfume on this pig! It stinks! So, dammitall, I am looking again for a job. Yes, yes. I know this is ridiculous. One  of my personality traits, whether it's an INTJ trait or not, is that I have a very low tolerance for bullshit and mayhem. I also cannot stand being bored at a job. This job is not boring - but the bullshit and mayhem quotient is extremely high.
All this to say that by the time I get home from work at night, I don't feel like doing anything - ANYTHING! I've managed  to keep the house reasonably clean, and myself presentable. The wedding plans are complete - except those that future hubby is in charge of - that's a story for another time. We'll be able to get married in spite of his procrastination. I've kept up with friends  (sort of) and actually tended to my garden so that it's weed free and has real flowers - here's a sunflower that is growing a big blossom -
                
An interesting tidbit about sunflowers is that future hubby was scared of them as a child. He still looks at them with some trepidation. What is it about or childhood fears that sticks with us into adulthood when we're big enough to know better? There are things I'm sill scared of from when I was a kid.
Anyway, I'm still here. I still want to blog. I'm still an introvert. I'm just having a hard time with opening my proverbial mouth right now to say (write) much of anything. I am sure that in the past few weeks I have offended some with my silence and my apparent lack of giving a damn. Seriously, that's not it! I just got really caught up in survival mode. And for introverts, survival mode often looks an awful lot like being very silent and not giving a damn.

      

I wish I could figure out how it is that at 3:30 AM I suddenly decide it's time for a blog entry, when I haven't done one in about a month. I should be sound asleep right now, having dreams about driving a car on an endless tangle of looped highway exits, overpasses and entrances, but I'm here instead. And actually that's OK.

I think that I had gone through a bout of depression or something that actually started late in the winter. Whatever it was, depression or something else, it kept me from blogging and doing other things that I normally enjoy. I was OK, but just attacking life differently. I seemed to be focused on the survival part a lot more than the enjoyment part. I felt like I was on a hamster wheel for sure, and I was pretty pissed off about it. I was definitely way in my shell as often as I could be. Maybe I just really needed some downtime. This probably makes no sense. And I'm beginning to ramble. To shorten up the story a bit, I headed to my Naturopath. Now, I don't have a problem with my medical doctor - he's a great guy. But I felt that whatever was going on with me was not so much a problem to be treated with a prescription and some (most likely) insanely expensive lab work, but something holistic that would treat my entire self, on more than a physical level. So I decided to see what the Naturopath had to say. Finally, and fortunately, I am feeling much, much more like myself in all ways.

The last month has been filled with trying to wrap up wedding plans so that I'm not thinking about it too much over the summer. It's also been filled with the poorly-timed death of a water heater (who out there hasn't awakened one morning to a pool of water around the water heater), the happy occasion of my niece's high school graduation, a weekend babysitting marathon with my two lovely and increasingly independent grandsons, NH's family issues that have led to him and his father not being on speaking terms, some huge financial stresses, and yet another job/career decision. It's been hamster-wheelish. We've all been there.

I've also been exploring my own introversion and what it means for me to foray into the world of extroverts, which is where we all pretty much have to live and must learn how to thrive. Just within the last few days, one of the landscape contractors I do design work for on a here-and-there basis offered me a job. This came pretty much out of the blue, and was triggered when he saw me working with a residential customer. When I'm with a customer, while I don't come off as being overly extroverted, I usually do become much more verbal and energized. Especially if they seem to be quite extroverted by nature. I match my personality to theirs somewhat. It's an old psychological trick that works fairly well. If a customer were very low-key or I sensed that they were an introvert, I'd change the way I approached them. If they are the type that seems very businesslike and always in a hurry, then I'd say what I have to and get to brass tacks quickly. This is something that can be difficult for both introverts and extroverts - we sometimes rail against playing that game.  In business, it's almost a requirement. With introverts, it's probably a bit harder, because while we're generally more sensitive to the subtle and not-so-subtle hints others are giving off, we can be reluctant to act on those vibes because we really just want to say our normal two or three words and be left alone. Depending upon your chosen career, or any of your chosen paths in life, you will most likely have to learn to get out of your shell and push yourself a bit. Here's the key: just do it, don't feel like you're cheating on your introverted self, understand that it's part of the game (whether you want to be in it or not), and make sure to get yourself some quiet, peaceful downtime afterward. Even the most introverted among us can do this and actually should do this, at least sometimes. Exercising the different aspects of our personalities and interaction with others, whether on the job, at home, in school or wherever is an important part of keeping balanced. Certainly, honor your introverted self - most of us love being introverted. Guard your alone time jealously and don't apologize for it - explain it to those who don't get it. But learn to play the game, too. For your own good.

If you're wondering whether I accepted the job, the answer is yes. I couldn't pass it up. There will be days when I have to schmooze customers, some of whom are local celebrities and big shots, and doing so will tire me out. But I will have equal time in my little office to quietly do design work, plan and organize (things we introverts love). I'm hoping it works out. As you may know, I've been on a job rollercoaster for about a year now, and I wanna get off of it!

OK, I'm tired out - back to the car and the endless maize of highway loops. What does that mean, anyway?

      

I'm kind of ashamed because I haven't posted an entry in weeks. Work (basically 3 part-time jobs) has taken a lot of my time and energy. The wedding is basically planned, but I am still obsessing over a few of the details (those over which I have little or no control). Everything else seems quite out of whack lately. Are the planets lined up oddly? Is this something cosmic?

My friend from work and I were discussing this just yesterday morning. It seems like the whole world, us included, is on the brink of a push through a wall. I guess that sounds pretty drastic and alarmist. I just feel like we're all being hit over the head with trees by the Universe. It's trying to get our attention and tell us all something - but what? So as my friend and I were discussing how to work through the trials of life, which we all partake in, some more than others, with none of us left unscathed, we had a hopeful feeling that we will all come out of this stronger and healthier, if a bit bruised up. The ever raising prices of gas and food, the unemployment that plagues us (at least in Michigan), the worries over our children, health issues, finance fears, and friends who are battling daunting issues of their own are at the forefront of everyone's thoughts. It was about then that the boss' wife walked into the office and gave us the news that a woman we all knew well had died over the weekend under very tragic circumstances. Another tree smack to the head...

I think we all experience times when we feel like we're on a rollercoaster and have no idea when the next high or low is coming, how high or low we'll go, or when the rollercoaster will stop so that we can catch a few gasps of air. Maybe that's why I've not been blogging. I think what happened yesterday woke me up a bit. Made me look again at myself, and all those things I don't want to look at because they are just too scary and hard. What are we all doing here anyway? What am I doing here? Is there a purpose to all of this?

I know that people of faith might have ready answers to those questions. And those answers are probably all valid, each and every one of them - at least for that individual. But for today, I am still struggling with it all. What's the meaning of it? Why do bad things happen to good people? And where do we go from here? Have I missed something? Am I missing it still?

I know that a day or week or month or year from now, the whole world could be completely different than it is today. Hopefully better for us all. How can we make that happen?

      

In the past 10 days or so, I've received a couple emails that illustrate the downside of being introverted. As far as I can see, there's a downside to most everything in life, because it's all a big trade-off anyway. I don't want to make light of this at all, what I am saying is that even though I consider being introverted pretty special and great in a bunch of ways, there are a couple things that can become a problem at times.

The first email was from a gentleman who recently suffered a huge personal loss. He is an introvert, and as such is used to spending lots of time in quiet reflection. His loss, which was tragic, is now the first thing on his mind when he spends time quietly and alone with himself. As an insightful and reflective introvert, his mind wants to explore all the deep nooks and crannies of everything, and right now, it's exploring the what-ifs and if onlys. His comment to me was that in a situation like this, extroverts have a definite advantage, because they tend towards seeking out others to help take the sting out of a situation through talking and distraction. He may be right. We introverts tend to go very deeply into things, and it all happens on the inside. Or joy happens mostly on the inside, where we look at it and relish it, turning it over and over like a sparkling gem. Our deep sorrows have fewer outlets than that of extroverts. We keep those inside, too, and visit them often. The whole world of joy and sorrow lives inside us, and seldom shows itself to it's full extent to the outside world. This is both a gift and a burden.

Surely, this man's loss was deeper than what most of us will ever experience in our lives, and his sorrow will take a great deal of time to subside. It will probably never go completely away. But introverts seem to carry our sorrows more by ourselves than our extroverted counterparts. This isn't to say that extroverts don't experience loss and sorrow deeply. I am certain they do. And like us, there are some tragedies that an extrovert would never get completely past. But they seek out people to share their sadness with, to talk to, to even distract them sometimes, and in that way, they might be at an advantage.

The second email came from a young man who, although he didn't state that he is an introvert, I am supposing he is from the content of his email. This wise and sensitive person explained that he is worried that he will never find a girlfriend who understands him and accepts him for who he is. As an introvert, I can identify completely with this, and I am willing to bet that most introverts reading this are shaking their heads "yes" right now. Being introverted and fairly sensitive can make us a conundrum for extroverts who don't realize that we exist in the first place, and can't figure out what the hell is the deal with us. We can feel misunderstood and a bit put down when our quiet is mistaken for dullness, disinterest, or boringness, or our sensitive nature is mistaken for weakness. Until we realize that we're OK and start helping others to understand that it's OK to be different, we're stuck wondering what to do.

In this case, acceptance of one's introverted nature and the realization that we need to not try to change ourselves to fit a mold that we think others would like us to fit into is probably the first step. Self-acceptance always is. Thankfully, introverts can be just as adept at finding mates (who are most like extroverted simply because there are more of them) as extroverts. And many of us, introvert or extrovert have to wait until we're well into adulthood to find someone who we can withstand the test of time with.

Until next time......

      

A week or so ago, I received an email from an extrovert (or extravert, depending on your spelling preference). I was pretty shocked that extroverts, or at least one extrovert, read my stuff. The email called me to task regarding the Introvert Lexicon that I have posted on my website (www.hermitshearth.com). I've always known that the lexicon was a bit slanted and poked a bit of fun at extroverts, but I felt justified in that because as introverts, we get harassed often enough by extroverts. And yet, this email was so damned intelligent and well thought out, that it made me think - I truly in my heart of hearts feel that all of us deserve to be treated with respect, just as we wish to be treated with respect. I've tried very hard to make a point in my life of respecting differences of opinion, ethnicity, religion, color, status, orientation, etc. All this to say, that I am pulling the lexicon off of my site because it's not reflecting what I say is my own philosophy of respect and acceptance.

But this leads to a bigger conundrum for me. Where's the line? Can I still talk about "when extroverts attack" at church (if you aren't familiar - there's always a hug-fest at church that just about kills me every Sunday)? Or what about my extroverted soon-to-be in-laws who are also unwilling to accept that introverts even exist, therefore making my life hell with every family gathering (to them, introverts are like Martians or unicorns).

Because of the type of site I have, and the type of blog I do, I still have to be able to talk about the fact that we as introverts run into some really ridiculous situations simply because the world is 3/4 extroverted. I still have to be able to bitch now and then about the fact the sometimes extroverts drive us crazy because they just won't shut the hell up and keep their hands off us and stay out of our really big personal space! Because we're ALL different, we're going to get on each other's nerves. And for better or worse, sometimes extroverts get on our nerves. So that's where the line is. I am going to pull the lexicon as soon as I have a chance to re-work the page it's on. Maybe I will make up my own since that one's not mine - no idea who authored it. However, I will not walk on eggshells when it comes to mentioning extrovert hug-fests and other things that kind of scare us (or just make us uncomfortable). Those things aren't meant as put-downs. They're things that happen because we all want everyone else to be like us and act like us.

Point here is that we can do our best, and should do our best to give each and every human the respect and kindness that we want to receive. BUT, in real life, things are going to come up that confuse us, make us uncomfortable or piss us off. This happens regardless of age, race, color, gender, personality style, sexual orientation, length of hair, size of shoe, career path, amount of money we have, or whether or not we like liverwurst sandwiches (yuck!). And this blog and my site are about introverts and what it's like to live an introverted life - the good, the bad, and the times that we just don't get extroverts and they don't get us.

      

 This won't be me!!!!!!

Oh boy............ I knew there was a reason why I'm not a wedding planner. Weddings are sort of a pain in the ass to plan! I'm thinking that it may have something to do with my personality. I like complete control of every situation, I have no desire to make a spectacle of myself - ever, and everything must make sense, always following logical order.

When NH and I decided to get married (again), I wanted to go to Las Vegas (again), or to the courthouse and keep things very small and simple. He nixed that idea. He wants a "real" wedding. So, I agreed and jumped into the planning with both INTJ feet only to find that other people (NH, our minister, and a friend who is helping), have thoughts, opinions and ideas! The nerve!!!!!! I also discovered that I probably can't plan a wedding all by myself, even a smallish wedding - there's too much to do!

I guess you might be wondering about my other weddings or maybe not (there were other weddings, you know). Well, NH and I did fly to Vegas the first time around. The planning consisted of buying plane tickets, finding a hotel and a wedding chapel, and choosing appropriate clothes. I loved it. My first wedding, at age 19 to the father of my two wonderful children was a big affair with a cast of what seemed like thousands. I didn't plan that either. Rather, my mom, bless her heart, mostly planned it. I was happy to let her.

Now here we are, and I am doing what I thought I would never do. Here's what I've discovered so far:

INTJ's have to get over themselves on occasion and let other people help or (heaven forbid) even let someone else take over certain aspects of a project. We are not capable of doing everything all the time, even though we'd like to think we are.

Introverts in general are averse to being the center of attention, and weddings will put you squarely in the spotlight. If it's going to totally freak you out, it's up to you to insist that the guest list be on the small side and that it consists of people you know and like. This might not always be possible, especially if you're surrounded by extroverts that are loving the idea of a huge to-do. Try to compromise. And have a glass of wine.

For anyone who values logic and order and needs things to make sense - whether you're and introvert or an extrovert, forget it. Logic and order are not part of planning a wedding. I do believe though that a well planned wedding can lead to a logical and orderly wedding day. Let's keep our fingers crossed.

We still have five months before the blessed event. My goal is to have everything - EVERYTHING - planned and taken care of by the end of May so that I can enjoy the summer without panic, arguments over centerpieces or which way to face the chairs so that the sun won't be in the guest's eyes (we're doing this outdoors).

NH and I are taking a decidedly unorthodox approach to this wedding (not that there's anything wrong with traditional weddings - they're beautiful!). We've decided to make this a true reflection of who we are, and I'm really pleased about this. We've found a ton of great ideas at www.offbeatbride.com. If you're planning a wedding and are a different type of couple and the thought of having a red wedding dress, or using Muglies to serve champagne in doesn't scare you, check it out (make sure to check out the Wedding Porn - it's not what you're thinking!).

Next Blog - I received a wonderful email from an extrovert that made me think...........

      

NH and I have decided to get married. Re-married, actually. We were married, got divorced and on the day of the divorce, which is almost two years ago, realized that we still love each other. So we've spent the time since then building a real relationship vs. the one that we had before. This hasn't been an easy process - relationships aren't always easy, probably are seldom easy, but the one part that has been easy is our devotion to each other and fixing this thing since the day the judge granted us our divorce. Odd? Certainly. Unheard of? Not at all.
The telling of our news to family and friends has been a revealing experience in some ways, but in other ways, it's only confirmed our suspicions.

Every member of my family - my mom, my sister and brother and their families, and my kids have met this news with love and support. Doesn't matter whether they think we're crazy (and they might). They have smiled, laughed, asked happy questions and offered their sincere support. This is why I love my family. And, believe me, I know that I am blessed.

Our friends - OMG! Yesterday at church when we stood in front of our congregation with our news, people gave us a standing ovation. The energy came at us in a wall and hit me (the introvert) like a tidal wave. I was at once frightened and thrilled. I am pretty sure some of them think we've lost our minds - many of them witnessed the whole process from marriage, to separation, to divorce, to getting back together and now this. And yet, they all offered their love and support. We know how blessed we are to have this.

The last group of people to tell was, and still partially is, NH's family. Yesterday he called his mother. She hit the roof. She was mad as hell. I felt so bad for him because I could hear her on the phone giving him shit. I don't understand. I thought that she and I had created some small detente. But she took the whole thing as a personal affront. I suppose this isn't even about me, although she's always made it clear that she's not fond of me. I guess it could be about her. Maybe she just isn't able to do what my family and our friends are able to do. They find joy and hope where she finds something else. Sadly, I can't do anything about this. Hopefully his father will be happier for us (this is likely). In the meantime, I guess for my part I need to walk my talk and try to wrap my ex and future mother in law in light and pray that she won't be a total buzz kill at the wedding. (heavy sigh)

Now, it's time to plan a wedding - this thing that will put me front and center. As an introvert, I dread it in a way. But another part of me is excited because we want to make this not only about us, but about our families and friends. We want everyone to take something positive from the day, whether it's meeting a new friend or enjoying some interesting entertainment, or learning that wedding ceremonies don't have to involve white dresses and unity candles (not that there's anything wrong with that!!!!!). This wedding is much more likely to involve singing bowls (Google it), drumming groups and ethnic foods. By the time it's over, this introvert will need a couple days alone to recover.

      

If happiness hasn't been recognized when alone, a group of people will be a cause of distraction.
-Adept Godrakpa, "Hermit of Go Cliffs"

My good friend Chris, a fellow introvert and also a shy person, sent me this quote. I think it's appropriate that a "hermit" is the author, as it seems to me that introverts know this naturally - happiness must be recognized when in one's own company, otherwise, how can you tell if you're happy because you're happy, or you think you're happy because all the things going on around you are supposed to make you happy. Tricky.

I'm trying to be sensitive to the fact that happiness does sometimes come from the outside - I get a huge amount of happiness from my family, friends and doing things that I think are fun. But I truly believe that everything that goes on outside of us can be a distraction, or even a replacement for the happiness we need to find inside ourselves. Finding the happiness that we recognize only when alone can enhance the happiness we find outside of ourselves.

This whole subject can be viewed in different ways. You can look at it from the philosophical angle that the only real happiness is that which we choose to find in ourselves. You can look at it from the angle that happiness comes from a place of peace and reflection vs. a place of activity and movement. Or that you have to have it in you first, before you can see it and enjoy it when it comes from or is brought to the outside. I am not certain what the truth is, but I suspect that my truth is different than yours, and yours is different than another person's.

I know that if I am unhappy, I am the only person who can help myself out of that. That's just me. But I will also say that sometimes all I have to do is to quietly remind myself of some of the things outside of me that make me happy - like my grandsons.

When I am unhappy, I usually withdraw into myself and work on what's got me down. I think and turn it over and over. I let it sit and I look at it until I am done with being unhappy and choose to put it aside. Heading to a circus won't make it better for me. I have to do it alone and find my way back to happiness by myself. Maybe that's what the quote means. I don't know.

For those of us who are introverts, we must go inside ourselves to find our true happiness because that's where it always is for us. It's a mistake to try to look for it outside ourselves because at the heart of it all, our life begins deep within us - our whole life, and then extends outward like tentacles until we have to pull them back in for rest, deep thought, analysis and introspection. This is the time and the place where we find happiness. That's not to say that our families and friends, and the things we do don't make us happy - hopefully they do, but even then, we have to go back into ourselves to understand the how and why of that happiness.

      

                                                                   
My desire for spring to appear is more intense this year than I think it's ever been. I've always suspected that I must suffer from some form of Seasonal Affective Disorder, and I believe that the past six weeks or so have confirmed that. The darkness, the cold, the snow and the ice have turned me into a slow-moving zombie who craves carbohydrates. Fortunately, I have seen in the last couple weeks a slow change in myself leading me to believe that spring, more than what seems like fifteen minutes of daylight a day, relative warmth and the hope of seeing leaves and flowers again may save me from the life of a physically and mentally slovenly drudge.

It's true that in the past few weeks I have started a new job, and in many ways that's good for me because I actually leave the house and interact with people. NH and I have also started going to Sunday services more regularly, and in spite of being attacked by hugging extroverts every time we go, it's good too. And I've been making a concerted effort to get to the gym at least four times a week. Being the introvert that I am, I think the temptation to hole up in my cave during the winter months is greater than during the other three (and more preferable) seasons. I've decided that it may be during the winter months that I have to force myself to get out more whether I think I want to or not. I am a very low-key person. Add the inherent isolation that comes with winter, and even me, the introvert, finds herself too low-key for her own good. I'm not sure what action I will take come next January, February and March to counteract this, but I am going to do something for sure. This winter was hell.

I will say that the hell was not all produced by SAD, or winter's darkness. NH and I have had some real difficulties dealing with his son that have lead to the boy moving out of our house (he's not a boy, so don't worry - he's nineteen, and moved to his mom's). As hard as this is on NH, it was his decision to ask the boy to move, and in the long run, it will be better for all of us and hopefully they can salvage their relationship. So that was added stress.

NH and I also experienced some financial setbacks this winter that have caused stress, so I'm pretty sure that hasn't helped. Regardless, I am waiting for spring, watching for signs. Next winter maybe I will schedule some art classes for myself and plan to visit mom in Florida during February to break up the cold, snow, ice thing. I know for sure that I cannot isolate myself the way I did this winter. The Vernal Equinox (first day of Spring) is just around the corner.